how did i forget?

the best part of the weekend was the remembering.

i don't know how i forgot this, but it came to me on saturday: the world is truly a beautiful place. i went back to a time before depression, before mental illness and suicide attempts, a time before self-hatred. i remembered greeting each day with an openness, an attitude of wonder and amazement. i remembered coming to canada on a boat, and on our last night at sea the waiters glided past our table, with large ice swans balanced on their shoulders. i remembered snow so deep that we could slide from the roof all the way across the lawn, i remembered my snow boots crunching through ice-topped snow, each step breaking the surface. i remembered my favorite shoes - red and shiny - and my favorite dress with the pink squares. i remembered watching the ice dance on the branches on a cold, sunny day. i remembered that there was a time that i was perfect. i was beautiful. i was whole.