mirror, mirror, clickety-clack

For a month now I've being talking out loud to myself when I drive. My mantra? "Mirror, mirror, signal. Mirror, mirror, signal." This is so that I don't repeat the mistakes I made on my last driving test. Tomorrow is the test (woo hoo!!!) and all I need to do now is KEEP QUIET! I cannot be freaking out the examiner by talking to myself throughout the test.

I have some anxiety about the test -- not the actual driving bit -- but the possible meltdown if I flunk again. The best I could come up with in therapy was that in failing last time it felt like *I* was being graded -- that on the score sheet that the examiner used was an extra line that read "Catherine Jones, Life" and he'd crossed off every box with the word FAILED.

Now, I've looked over every corner of the sheet and I can reassure you that it doesn't have a line for the driving examiner to grade me as to whether I'm a worthwhile human being or not. If I pass I'm going into town to celebrate at the Tuesday meeting of the Cork Camera club. If I flunk, I'm going into town to meet some new people, at the Cork Camera club. Before that I should have just enough time for a walk and a quick bite to eat. Either way, it should be okay.

I've been doing quite a bit of writing lately, inspired by the work of Mary Ellen Copeland. If you've ever suffered depression or some other mental illness I bet you'll like her tools. She's strong on hope, support, and personal responsibility on the path to wellness. She's also big on lists. Me, I love lists. I really, really love lists.

1. Driving test
2. Work
3. Lunch and a walk
4. Work
5. Dinner and a walk
6. Cork Camera club
7. Take meds
8. Bed


If I stick to the list, I'm not gonna go wrong.

what a handsome window box! that would be lavender in the middle, and it smells lovely.

it's been a long and difficult week and i am humbled by how sneaky my depression is, coming up with new variations on the same old themes. trickiest is how easily i am convinced that i have always, and will always feel just as lonely as i am at this exact moment. it is exhausting and some nights i would give anything to make it stop. but i refuse to give up.

i am trying to get out of some of my crazy circles. for instance, when i wonder why i'm lonely i tell myself that it's because i'm clearly not worth being friends with, which leads me to stay in, isolating myself even further... and so the circle goes... i never get out to meet anyone new who might become a friend. see how it is self-fulfilling? next week i'm going job hunting, going to fill up a few more hours in the week between psych and therapy appointments. maybe there will be some fun people at my new job? i'm going to try get a job in one of the bookstores in town, or maybe a coffee shop... i'll keep ya posted.

p.s. new date for my driving test: it's in one month. wish me luck!

"Wall."

"Umm... wall."

"WALL WALL WALL WALL WALL!!!"

That was my sister, last week, in the middle of one of our driving lessons.

Turns out she was trying to tell me something. I was so happy to be zooming along that I wasn't paying attention to the passenger side of the car, including the approaching wall. Who put that wall there, anyhow? And can you describe it as zooming if you are going 10 kilometres per hour? Never mind.

Lessons continue this week. I have three goals: start car and move off without stalling; go around the roundabout in the correct direction; third gear.