the sweet air

Photo by singlefin

i am walking back from the pub. it's 12:30 am. there are no streetlights on the island, so i'm navigating by moonlight. the stars are out and the air is sweet, so sweet. all is well with the world. all is well in my heart. frank tells me that a weekend on cape clear is better than anything a psychiatrist can offer. i agree.

a sort of explanation

i have been writing a fair bit here about my journey out of depression, and maybe you are wondering why.

on a very basic level, writing here is a form of self-preservation. when i first posted on this subject, i really just wanted support. i knew that my brain was playing tricks on me, but as hard as i tried, i couldn't think my way out of it. the more i thought things over, the worse i felt. it was like slowly drowning in quicksand. it took your kind words and emails to help me reconnect with the world.

i also write because, well, it's what i do. this blog has always been about my life, and the funny or sad things that i see around me. these experiences of the irish mental health system will go in the screenplay one day, to be sure!

i also want to challenge the shame and stigma that go along with mental illness. a recent report from the UK says 1 in 8 people would not want to live next door to someone with a mental illness. that's just ignorance, or maybe fear. i dunno. 2 weeks ago i even emailed my story (so far) to TodayFM the morning they were talking about the samaritans. yes, ray darcy read my email over the airwaves-- "here we have catherine from cork..." i tell you that, just so you know it's hard to hang on to any embarrassment when the story of your mental breakdown and recovery is read over the national airwaves.

finally, i write so that anyone who might also be experiencing depression or suicidal thoughts will see that help is out there, and while it might be a scary step, it's really not so hard. when i started to get sick i remembered marsha's speech at joe's memorial service - i remember she stood at the front of the community room at the jefferson market library and told us if were feeling low to go and get help. i don't remember her exact words, but it was something along the lines of not suffering alone.

here are a few links:

• Why Suicide is Not a Good Idea
• How to talk to your doctor about depression
• Loneliness
  
• PsychEducation (mood disorders, borderline and bipolar)
• Dan Fisher's Story
• Recovery and the Conspiracy of Hope
• PsychCentral
• SuicideForum (SF) (online forum, peer support)
  
• How to Think Ahead (wikiHow)]
• HSE suicide helpline: 1800 742745 (6pm to 10pm)
  

Operation Moonbeam, Ireland

Another session of the relaxation class today. Very operation moonbeam, and very useful. We had to picture a calm, white-sand beach. I of course pictured Coney Island but what can a gal do?

The class takes place at St. Finbarr's hospital in their mental health outpatient program. I brought the holga along to take some photos around the grounds of the hospital, because, frankly, if you weren't suicidal when you arrived 10 minutes at this place will take you there. I wanted to capture some of the decrepit ambience on film.

St. Finbarr's is a compound of various buildings, all falling to pieces and seemingly half-occupied. There's a giant stone fence around the grounds, and nowhere near enough parking so visitors and staff park on any piece of grass they can find, and there's not much grass! Crows float about waiting to pounce, calling out to each other. When you arrive the first thing you see is the trunk of a big, old tree surrounded by wire fencing. I don't know how long ago the tree fell down, but it's been tightly pruned and only the trunk remains. But still it's fenced. There's not one, but two old and peeling statues of the Virgin Mary... there might be more as I haven't explored it all yet.

So, it must be all this moonbeam-ness happening but everyone is smiling at me today. Even guy driving the tractor through the middle of town waved and smiled. Yay.

Mash mash mash

I set today aside to practice my lighting, with a big thanks to all the tutorials at strobist. The goal was to control the reflections in a shiny object. The challenge is that everything a shiny object sees, it reflects which is pretty much a disaster in most photos (reflects you, the camera, the window, and so on). That's why it's important to NOT photograph naked. Just kidding. I adapted this setup and came up with this. I know the composition sucks, but I was mostly trying to control those shiny bits, and I'm pretty happy.



Spent a little time Wednesday hanging out in the park in Carrigaline, shooting flowers. These are for me, not stock, and are outrageously out of focus. No mind, I love 'em.