marmite on toast

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2010-03-26T02:36:00.001Z

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2009-06-11T20:13:00.002+01:00

I can't believe it's June already and it's been months since I last wrote. Asleep at the wheel, or what?

The exciting news is that I found an apartment. It was not in the neighborhood I wanted but it is cute and perfect for me. It is a "junior one bedroom" meaning a bachelor with a separate room the size of a closet. But it's mine... all mine! I moved May 1st, with such precise organization and coordination even the military would be proud. Normally there are tears on moving day (mine) and I'm rarely ready come the morning of the move. Well not this time. You know who you are... and my eternal thanks.... Funniest site of the day was my Devere enlarger tied to the roof of the car! Looked like a giant penis wrapped in a big condom! Maybe you had to be there....

So, tomorrow is the start of Operation Kitty Kat as Renata and I head to the Toronto shelter system in search of a a furry companion for me. Even my shrink approves of Operation Kitty Kat, and even thinks I need to start volunteering at a shelter as a kitty cuddler. All that love!!!

I was back in the hospital for an early summer tune-up, but was only there a week this time before I bounced back. This time I was on what is called a "form" meaning you *have* to stay, by law, in the hospital and you can't leave when you want... if you do go the cops can be sent to retrieve you and bring you back. Being a non voluntary patient was new to me but I totally understand why they did it. Still, feeling groovy now and that's all that matters.

boggled

2009-03-19T02:14:00.003Z

Did you know that some people will pay $2,400 for a one bedroom apartment? It boggles the mind. I mean really boggles. Makes my budget of $750 a month seem so insignificant. There wasn't a single apartment on Craig's List today that matched my budget, except a basement bachelor in Oshawa. Well, tomorrow is another day! I am going to modify the parking prayer to the circumstances: "Hail Mary full of grace, help me find a groovy place!"

2009-02-02T20:57:00.001Z

ommmm....

2009-01-22T00:26:00.002Z

The Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction class started last night. 50 of us attended an info session for it in November, and there were only 4 places available for January's class. Guess who got a place? Moi. It seems that the universe is watching out for me.

One of our intro exercises was to sit quietly with our eyes closed and think about why we wanted to take this class, and what we hoped to learn. My answer was very simple and came to me right away -- I want to live. I am taking this class because I don't want to die. I am so desperate to learn how to survive depression, how to survive these extreme mood swings that are my experience of being bipolar.

When the facilitator announced we'd go round and share what our reasons were I panicked. It felt too personal to share with such a large group (there are 30 in the class). When it came to me I said that I wanted to learn how to live more fully, which I guess is in the same ballpark, but not as honest.

hello up there

2008-11-11T17:22:00.003Z

i'm finding that the hardest thing about having a mental illness is that i cannot always trust my own thoughts. this is totally frustrating for me as i count on being a quick thinker.

what usually happens is this - i find myself thinking something out there. something like "it is inevitable that most people with bipolar will die by suicide." that's my future, i think, what a relief to have figured this out. instead of recognizing this as some kind of crazy thinking, i think "wow, i wonder why i didn't think of that before?" each crazy thought is brand new to me, and i never think to question them because, of course, this thought has to be correct 'cos there it is in my head, right?

i'm so happy i tell the doctor my latest insight and she says that not only am i wrong in thinking this (some bipolar people will attempt, for many it is a very treatable condition) but also it might be too soon to reduce one of my medications.

to her, these kinds of thoughts are the result of a chemical imbalance. to me, they are sudden brainwaves!

Bear update

2008-10-28T18:54:00.001Z

The bear was found in Ireland, lounging around in Glenbrook eating marmite and cheese sandwiches and drinking mugs of Barry's tea. Thank goodness!

Updates

2008-10-27T18:12:00.005Z

Squirrel Update: they are getting very fat. tails particularly bushy.

Moving Update: two boxes missing in shipment from Ireland. since i failed to label any boxes or take an inventory, i have no idea exactly what is missing. have not found elderly bear (had him since i was 2 - 40 years is old for a bear!!!) and two boxes of prints. i will never ship negatives again, as i spent a sleepless night worried that the missing boxes were negatives.

Music Update: have been hanging out at the gladstone hotel - last night was a guy from newfoundland, now living in africa. he advertises an 'afro-celtic' sound, it was more singer-songwriter to me but he was an excellent musician and i had a good time

Bipolar Update: read a great book on being bipolar - called "Madness: A Bipolar Life" by Marya Hornbacher. in fact, i read it twice. she has a different kind of bipolar (rapid cycling) but it is beautifully written and very, very moving. head to your library and get this book, now!

swamp things

2008-10-20T00:07:00.002+01:00

took my two left feet dancing last night and had a blast. i went to see swamperella at the gladstone ballroom and although i was desperately shy, managed to be persuaded onto the dance floor! i waltzed (twice!!!) and two stepped (sort of, once). the music was great (cajun / zyedeco) and the company fine. next month i'm going at 8pm for the free dancing lessons and then maybe i'll two step a little more.

goldfish update

2008-10-18T03:30:00.003+01:00

it's hard to know what to write. august felt like a train wreck. it was a slow-motion, i know what's happening but haven't a clue on how to stop it, train wreck. i knew i needed help but i couldn't seem to find it. the camh referral was 10 weeks away. the therapist my doctor recommended wouldn't take me without health insurance. all the shrinks i called weren't taking new patients, and couldn't recommend anyone who *was* taking new patients. what do i do? i asked my doctor. where do i go? just go to the ER, he said, they will know what to do.

and you know what? he was right. i showed up at the ER, alone, frightened and desperate. i was admitted for a few days in order to get me safely through the worst of my crisis and even in the short-stay psych unit there is an attitude of patient empowerment. i was pretty impressed, and although i didn't know the answer, the staff were always asking "what can we do to help you get better?"

for now i have stopped fighting my diagnosis - bipolar - although it seems strange to be diagnosed at 42. mind you, i saw a psychiatrist in my second year of university (18 years old) and he also told me i was manic-depressive but once again i thought i knew better. how different things might have been if i had dealt with it then.

spoon, spoon

2008-09-20T21:50:00.006+01:00

way too much has happened this week for me to catch up in one blog posting, but as always i look for any opportunity to laugh.there were some funny moments mixed in with all those tears. it was a long wait on wednesday to see the doctor at the emergency room (arrived at 3pm, saw the psychiatrist at 9pm). to my surprise they served dinner to us while waited in the ER. pretty awesome, i thought, even though i wasn't hungry. the only catch? they gave us two spoons, but no knife and fork. ever tried to eat roast beef with a spoon? harder than it looks! more later after i have time to process it all, but for now, it's good to be home and out in this fresh air of the last weekend of summer.

gotta stay in the zone...

2008-09-15T19:03:00.004+01:00

the advantage of having mood swings is that if you wait long enough the depression leaves (who knows where it goes, i like to imagine it goes somewhere chilly, like the mountains in peru) but anyhow, it's gone and is replaced with this groovy, not a care in the world happiness. i don't have a job, i don't have an apartment, but who cares? not me... the trick is to stay in the zone (just like when you are drinking whiskey, actually)... not too happy, not too hyper, just taking it nice and easy. lunch with k. today (a salad made from unhappy chickens i fear) and dropped of my time card at kelly for all that temping at the film festival. no george clooney this year, just a glimpse of alicia keyes in a cute little purple dress and a pair of strappy heels. it's too bad girly clothes make me feel like a drag queen, 'cos she sure was cute in that outfit. see ya in the zone...

Nerves, don't fail me now...

2008-09-07T21:04:00.008+01:00

On Friday afternoon, before I lost my nerve completely, I went over to the medical centre K. recommended and was seen as a walk-in patient. When your name is called the nurse walks you to the examining room where you wait for the doctor. On the walk in she asked me "why are you here today" and I mumbled "some mental health problems"... of course since I was staring at the floor and mumbling she asked me "what did you say?" at which point I seriously wished for the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Thinking crazy thoughts is not so hard, to be honest, but having to explain to someone else what is going on in your head is pretty difficult. Especially when every instinct is to flee the office immediately. For the duration of the 90 minute wait I just told myself "two more minutes. That's all you have to stay for, just two more minutes." On and on the time dragged and I kept making false promises to myself....

My time with the actual doc went pretty quickly (let's say, five minutes max) and I got a referral to the mood disorders clinic at CAMH, which is what I wanted. Like everyone else, he listened to my current symptoms and prescriptions and asked "how long have you been bipolar?" Sigh.

I'm temping this week at the Toronto International Film Festival where I am conducting a market research survey on people waiting in line for the films. Good thing I don't have social anxiety, eh!

Stay tuned for more developments in Catherine-land!

Hi, I'd like some help....

2008-09-05T18:52:00.003+01:00

Well I'm glued to the phone these days, trying to sort out some help here in Toronto. Jim found me the number for the CAMH info and referral line, so I called them last night. I was given the number for the distress line and the CAMH depression clinic. Called the clinic today and found out that you have to be referred by your GP (which I don't have, but guess I will soon). Once referred, for 200 bucks (for those of us without insurance) they will do an assessment and make recommendations for medication, which they will send back to my GP. Do you provide other supports, I asked? Like what, they said. Well, a community mental health nurse for instance (me, thinking back to Ireland). Not really, she said. It's more medication-focused treatment.

So, I'm already on a buncha pills, so I don't know that I need recommendations for more, or even different, medication. Could I be wrong? Sure, but I'm on a mood stablilizer and an anti-psychotic and they work much better than the anti-depressants I started with. And since I'm such a smarty-pants I figure I know what their assessment will be like, having had multiple assessments at the psych ward in Ireland. How different can they be? So what do I do? Do I fork over the $$ and hope that there are other programs that they could put me in touch with? Do I keep winging it? I think I have to say no to winging it since I keep sinking lower and lower.

Despite being an emotional mess, I'm a pretty demanding consumer of mental health services. Imagine having to sort through all of this bureaucracy when you are completely unraveled. Unraveled and broke.

There's still room on the credit card to pay for the doctor's appointment and assessment, so maybe I should just go ahead. I'm always telling people to try everything, and I mean everything in the fight against depression and suicide. You never know which will be the right combo of things that will help. I want y'all to remember that I'm doing my best to get help. It's just working out to be a bit harder than I imagined.

Goldfish

2008-09-04T01:52:00.002+01:00

When I was last unraveling the doc (dr. murphy) told me that I am the goldfish. And because I am the goldfish all I can see is the goldfish bowl. Because he is not a goldfish he can see the overall picture, and advise me accordingly. Right now I'm feeling a bit goldfish-y again. But there is no doctor here who knows me or my history. Do I pick a doctor out of the phone book and try to explain about the fish and bowl? Do I muddle through? I find trying to explain my inner thoughts and feelings so challenging. Difficult *and* embarassing. Could I be lucky enough to find a great doctor twice?

White Rabbits, Black Bats

2008-09-02T19:25:00.003+01:00

Oana tells me she checks her blogs daily. Daily? Yes, daily. My monthly updates are just not good enough so I promised her I'd try and write more often.

I'm in Toronto, trying to get settled but I am afraid that I am becoming more and more unraveled. I am not working (although I registered as a Kelly Girl today and I have applied for two part time positions at Toronto Public Library). I'm renting a room in a house with Natalie, a musician and her husband, Marc, an academic. They are nice, but no wireless so I hang out each morning at Tinto's on Roncesvalles, sending out resumes and updating websites.

I have far too much time on my hands, and we all know where that leads. I forgot to say White Rabbits yesterday and I hope it's not an omen. Jonathan recommends "black bats" which will now be my second day of the month tradition and hope it reverses the bad luck coming my way.

Butterscotch Cows

2008-08-03T21:53:00.005+01:00

It's been some weekend! On Friday I took the bus up to Port Laoise for a photo course with my gang. On the way up I saw a rainbow and a field of butterscotch colored cows. Tonight, on the way back down we passed two rainbows, a misty mountain range, and a solitary black sheep in a field of fluffy white sheep.

As I sat on the bus, it occurred to me that in surviving this depression I have been given a second chance, a gift if you will of these next 40 years. I made a promise to myself to not drift along but to make them good years. Tonight I share this commitment to life, to butterscotch cows, to my friends and family, to my art, and to the truth, with you.

2008-06-21T20:48:00.002+01:00

Gouganbarra (2008)

Moving!

2008-06-18T10:16:00.000+01:00

Okay folks, I have decided. I'm moving back to Toronto and the plane ticket is bought!

I fly into Montreal and head to QC first for a delicious week with Andrea, and then will make my way south.... via Ottawa arriving in Toronto at the end of August.

I'm looking for a place to sublet so keep your eyes and ears open! It's gonna be a shock going from my 300+ year old cottage into the hustle bustle but I'm looking forward to getting back into city life again.

See y'all soon!

2008-06-15T10:00:00.001+01:00

Versailles (2007)

2008-06-14T15:14:00.004+01:00

untitled

late november afternoons
on the twelfth floor
saturdays will always taste
like tobacco. smell of
floor polish. bonfires

she spends hours
opening and closing the drawers
the dust rests on the glass case
like the lake
after a brief snow

some girls, they fight
hearts pounding
they dream mexico,
oranges, azure waters.
oak trees

other girls
lay down in warm wax
& holding their breath
they wait
wait for the pins

2008-06-14T10:41:00.003+01:00

schiphol airport, amsterdam (2007)

the sweet air

2008-06-02T19:43:00.004+01:00

Photo by singlefin

i am walking back from the pub. it's 12:30 am. there are no streetlights on the island, so i'm navigating by moonlight. the stars are out and the air is sweet, so sweet. all is well with the world. all is well in my heart. frank tells me that a weekend on cape clear is better than anything a psychiatrist can offer. i agree.

central casting

2008-05-21T18:49:00.017+01:00

i thought i'd introduce to the cast of characters, ahead of the screenplay, eh?

my life in ireland,
starring....

the on-call psychiatrist at GF, cork university hospital
it's never easy to hear someone suggest you might be bipolar (which btw, i don't think i am), but if you've gotta have that conversation then why not be talking to doctor as cute as this

doctor mustaq, part of the psych team at ravenscourt day hospital
this guy loves to talk. "welcome to my country..." is one of his trademark phrases... he even holds his arms out the same way when he says this!

liam prout, the driving instructor

maura, the community mental health nurse
compassionate and kind, but tough. did you go for a walk today? did you eat breakfast? what about your spare time? did you make a list? are you keeping busy? what are you doing saturday? what about sunday? how is the job? how are you feeling? it's always questions, questions, questions but it's okay, 'cos they are the right questions.

marianne, the therapist. our theme: what if you are wrong... and ... wouldn't it be a shame...

she needs no introduction: my dearest friend jim. "pudding. i'm simply covered in it..."

the best friend, andrea. "don't worry about the labels... just get better."

jonathan & frances: owners of the glenbrook taxi service, restaurant, and launderette.

the nephews: brendan and niall

and introducing the cows, played by themselves

2008-05-18T12:32:00.001+01:00

Red Hook, Brooklyn (2006)