fluctuat

I have adopted "fluctuat nec mergitur" as my new motto. I forgive you for thinking I have become the city of Paris as in fact they share my motto and it's even on their coat of arms! A friend first translated it as such: she wavers but is not immersed. But then I found this other translation: She is tossed by the waves, but is not sunk.

Perfect.

what a handsome window box! that would be lavender in the middle, and it smells lovely.

it's been a long and difficult week and i am humbled by how sneaky my depression is, coming up with new variations on the same old themes. trickiest is how easily i am convinced that i have always, and will always feel just as lonely as i am at this exact moment. it is exhausting and some nights i would give anything to make it stop. but i refuse to give up.

i am trying to get out of some of my crazy circles. for instance, when i wonder why i'm lonely i tell myself that it's because i'm clearly not worth being friends with, which leads me to stay in, isolating myself even further... and so the circle goes... i never get out to meet anyone new who might become a friend. see how it is self-fulfilling? next week i'm going job hunting, going to fill up a few more hours in the week between psych and therapy appointments. maybe there will be some fun people at my new job? i'm going to try get a job in one of the bookstores in town, or maybe a coffee shop... i'll keep ya posted.

p.s. new date for my driving test: it's in one month. wish me luck!

wtf ...

was i the person who actually put down the words "i'm looking forward to this journey..." (feb 8th, 2008).

all in can say is, "what the hell was i thinking?"

this new sadness feels all-encompassing and unrelenting. everything makes me cry.

part of relaxation class is imagining a bird flying free. i will never be free like that. never. on monday i walked to town in between relaxation and the psych appt. i had given myself 40 minutes to make the 20 minute walk back, but i got lost. i couldnt' find the damn hospital. i tell the psych that i don't deserve the resources the health service is providing - the nurse, the meds, their time. some things cannot be fixed. i cannot be fixed.

all i can do is keep following the program (daily walk, eat, sleep, write, take meds, talk) but can this be all there is? like any overachiever, i just keep thinking that if i worked harder, if i *tried* harder i'd be better already. thing is, i can't figure out what else i should be doing.

drama

if i could, i'd be more of a drama queen right now. but then i'd need some big-ass shoulder pads, right?