Now taking orders....

Spring is here with a vengeance. Each morning I have my own, personal meditation tape as the birds outside start singing. I open the curtains and take a peek at my windowboxes... last weekend's big distraction / accomplishment. I say distraction because I'm trying to keep busy on weekends, which are a bit of a black hole for me. And I say accomplishment because damn, they are some fine windowboxes! Promise I'll post a pic soon.

Inside, it's starting to look like a bakery! M. didn't think much of my self-harm alternatives (me: I read somewhere that I could squeeze ice until it hurts, or take a boiling hot shower; maura: well you could, but how about something a little more gentle).

So we came up with baking. Gets all that anger out -- beating, mashing, kneading, pummeling and yet... at the end of the day... a house full of tasty treats.

Tonight it's banana muffins. Yuuuuuuumy....

Operation Moonbeam, Ireland

Another session of the relaxation class today. Very operation moonbeam, and very useful. We had to picture a calm, white-sand beach. I of course pictured Coney Island but what can a gal do?

The class takes place at St. Finbarr's hospital in their mental health outpatient program. I brought the holga along to take some photos around the grounds of the hospital, because, frankly, if you weren't suicidal when you arrived 10 minutes at this place will take you there. I wanted to capture some of the decrepit ambience on film.

St. Finbarr's is a compound of various buildings, all falling to pieces and seemingly half-occupied. There's a giant stone fence around the grounds, and nowhere near enough parking so visitors and staff park on any piece of grass they can find, and there's not much grass! Crows float about waiting to pounce, calling out to each other. When you arrive the first thing you see is the trunk of a big, old tree surrounded by wire fencing. I don't know how long ago the tree fell down, but it's been tightly pruned and only the trunk remains. But still it's fenced. There's not one, but two old and peeling statues of the Virgin Mary... there might be more as I haven't explored it all yet.

So, it must be all this moonbeam-ness happening but everyone is smiling at me today. Even guy driving the tractor through the middle of town waved and smiled. Yay.

scrambled...

So the hospital set me up with some outpatient programs, including today's workshop on relaxation techniques. I liked it. Cheesy music of babbling brooks and birds warbling, and a kind of guided meditation. Any negative thoughts that arise... breathe them out... picture them from a distance. "Loser" I thought. I pictured the word floating away... and landing on scramble layout. How may words can I make? Lose, rose, slo, sol, resole, sloe, relo, and we're off.... I blame facebook. Those of you on facebook know what I mean!

dear cheerleaders

Dear cheerleaders - thank you again for your kind words, you mean the world to me.

I feel I am finally edging my way out of this fog, thanks to modern pharmaceuticals, my doctor, and Ireland's toughest community mental health nurse! I've been reading alot about depression and although I'm pretty smart, I must admit that there was tons I didn't understand. I recognized some of my symptoms (fatigue, headaches, hopelessness, and feeling suicidal) but I didn't know that feeling like, ummm how do i say this, feeling like a loser was also a symptom. I thought that this was the cause of my depression, my unrelenting and all-encompassing loserdom! I even asked a few people... "do I have LOSER tattooed on my forehead?" ... and I wasn't kidding! Sheesh.

So. The best thing I learned this week was that you should not let your mood determine your actions, but instead start with the activity and let the mood catch up. For instance, if I wait until I feel like it, I'd never leave the cottage and go out walking. Instead, I start my walk and about 15 minutes later my mood catches up. Walking is good. Sometimes I listen to music (note to self.. gotta take the Micah P Hinson off of the shuffle... he's bringin' me down).

Activity before mood is familiar to me as it's how I approach photography. My motto has always been: impersonate a brave person and your nerves will catch up. This approach has seen me through photo critiques, approaching galleries, and selling my photos.

I can't believe the amount of work that is ahead of me but part of me is looking forward to this journey.

happiness is a foreign land.
i don't speak the language.
and i have no map.

Me: "Doctor, doctor, I'm feeling like a pair of drapes..."
Doctor: "Well pull yourself together!"

Among other homework, I'm supposed to be writing down, every evening, one thing that made me laugh. It's not really a problem, as I said to a friend, as no matter how sad I am there's always something funny happening around me. Take last Thursday, for instance. I hadn't slept for 5 days and was seriously bugging out... I scared even myself, and that's saying something! I went that morning to see my family doctor and he sent me straight over to the Psych Unit at our local hospital.

Well, as you know, I'm not driving so I had my brother-in-law zoom me over. I went in to have a chat with the psychiatrist, and J. was left alone in the waiting room. In 2 hours he was asked at least 4 or 5 times if *he* was okay, if *he* needed anything, and was *he* waiting to chat with anyone? J. is probably one of the best-adjusted, all-around calm men I know, but if you're sitting alone in the psych ward I guess you're gonna generate some professional interest! I was in GF... which he told me stands for "Ground Floor" ... apparently a very common location for mental health units. That's 'cos if you jump out of the window in GF you don't have far to go. I'm sorry, but I found that funny, too!

It's early days, but I'm feeling much more confident that I can beat this depression. Thanks for all the emails and comments. They really, really, helped.