wtf ...
was i the person who actually put down the words "i'm looking forward to this journey..." (feb 8th, 2008).
all in can say is, "what the hell was i thinking?"
this new sadness feels all-encompassing and unrelenting. everything makes me cry.
part of relaxation class is imagining a bird flying free. i will never be free like that. never. on monday i walked to town in between relaxation and the psych appt. i had given myself 40 minutes to make the 20 minute walk back, but i got lost. i couldnt' find the damn hospital. i tell the psych that i don't deserve the resources the health service is providing - the nurse, the meds, their time. some things cannot be fixed. i cannot be fixed.
all i can do is keep following the program (daily walk, eat, sleep, write, take meds, talk) but can this be all there is? like any overachiever, i just keep thinking that if i worked harder, if i *tried* harder i'd be better already. thing is, i can't figure out what else i should be doing.
all in can say is, "what the hell was i thinking?"
this new sadness feels all-encompassing and unrelenting. everything makes me cry.
part of relaxation class is imagining a bird flying free. i will never be free like that. never. on monday i walked to town in between relaxation and the psych appt. i had given myself 40 minutes to make the 20 minute walk back, but i got lost. i couldnt' find the damn hospital. i tell the psych that i don't deserve the resources the health service is providing - the nurse, the meds, their time. some things cannot be fixed. i cannot be fixed.
all i can do is keep following the program (daily walk, eat, sleep, write, take meds, talk) but can this be all there is? like any overachiever, i just keep thinking that if i worked harder, if i *tried* harder i'd be better already. thing is, i can't figure out what else i should be doing.
Labels: tired
1 Comments:
Catherine, there's not a *right* way to do this. And believe me, I struggle with that in my own therapy. I don't know that I'm an overachiever, but I'm definitely something of a perfectionist and that doesn't always mesh well with therapy. There's a real letting go and trusting of a chaotic process that can be hard for me (and maybe for you).
Happiness will come. I know that doesn't seem possible, but it is. It seems endless, I know, but it isn't. When you look back a year from now, you'll see how far you've come. You just can't see it now.
Hang in there, sweetie!
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