how did i forget?

the best part of the weekend was the remembering.

i don't know how i forgot this, but it came to me on saturday: the world is truly a beautiful place. i went back to a time before depression, before mental illness and suicide attempts, a time before self-hatred. i remembered greeting each day with an openness, an attitude of wonder and amazement. i remembered coming to canada on a boat, and on our last night at sea the waiters glided past our table, with large ice swans balanced on their shoulders. i remembered snow so deep that we could slide from the roof all the way across the lawn, i remembered my snow boots crunching through ice-topped snow, each step breaking the surface. i remembered my favorite shoes - red and shiny - and my favorite dress with the pink squares. i remembered watching the ice dance on the branches on a cold, sunny day. i remembered that there was a time that i was perfect. i was beautiful. i was whole.

been hitting the 821's again

had some time to kill wednesday between appointments, so went over to the grand parade library to check out the poets. this is the main branch of the cork city library system and they have a huge poetry section. brought home a collection by brendan kennelly - familiar strangers.

bridge -
brendan kennelly

and in the dark to learn across
like a bridge over a river on whose bed
stones are untroubled by what passes
overhead
and kiss the sleep in your body
with i love you i love you
like currents through my head
that is closer to deep water now
than at any time of the day

Be ever new, happy you

this weekend my 5 day yoga/meditation class begins, and i'm really looking forward to it. it is run by a group called "the art of living foundation" and the only thing i know is that the leader wrote this amazing article, which as i said to J. is clearly a version of our "operation moonbeam" manifesto!

"Abiding in the self you become the valentine for the whole world. Spirit is the valentine of matter, and matter is the valentine of spirit. They are made for each other. They uphold each other. If you do not respect the spirit, then matter is not pleased. If you honour the spirit then you will care for the world, and when you care for the world it will take care of you.

You are the Christmas tree. At the time of year when no tree bears anything, it has many gifts to offer. A Christmas tree bears the gifts and the lights you are carrying in your life are for others. Anyone who comes to you, you offer them your gifts. When you show kindness, your true nature comes into play... "

vroom, vroom

When the driving examiner yells STOP and grips the dashboard, that's gotta be a clue that your test is not going well. Driving Examiners: 2, Catherine: 0.

mirror, mirror, clickety-clack

For a month now I've being talking out loud to myself when I drive. My mantra? "Mirror, mirror, signal. Mirror, mirror, signal." This is so that I don't repeat the mistakes I made on my last driving test. Tomorrow is the test (woo hoo!!!) and all I need to do now is KEEP QUIET! I cannot be freaking out the examiner by talking to myself throughout the test.

I have some anxiety about the test -- not the actual driving bit -- but the possible meltdown if I flunk again. The best I could come up with in therapy was that in failing last time it felt like *I* was being graded -- that on the score sheet that the examiner used was an extra line that read "Catherine Jones, Life" and he'd crossed off every box with the word FAILED.

Now, I've looked over every corner of the sheet and I can reassure you that it doesn't have a line for the driving examiner to grade me as to whether I'm a worthwhile human being or not. If I pass I'm going into town to celebrate at the Tuesday meeting of the Cork Camera club. If I flunk, I'm going into town to meet some new people, at the Cork Camera club. Before that I should have just enough time for a walk and a quick bite to eat. Either way, it should be okay.

I've been doing quite a bit of writing lately, inspired by the work of Mary Ellen Copeland. If you've ever suffered depression or some other mental illness I bet you'll like her tools. She's strong on hope, support, and personal responsibility on the path to wellness. She's also big on lists. Me, I love lists. I really, really love lists.

1. Driving test
2. Work
3. Lunch and a walk
4. Work
5. Dinner and a walk
6. Cork Camera club
7. Take meds
8. Bed


If I stick to the list, I'm not gonna go wrong.

fluctuat

I have adopted "fluctuat nec mergitur" as my new motto. I forgive you for thinking I have become the city of Paris as in fact they share my motto and it's even on their coat of arms! A friend first translated it as such: she wavers but is not immersed. But then I found this other translation: She is tossed by the waves, but is not sunk.

Perfect.

what a handsome window box! that would be lavender in the middle, and it smells lovely.

it's been a long and difficult week and i am humbled by how sneaky my depression is, coming up with new variations on the same old themes. trickiest is how easily i am convinced that i have always, and will always feel just as lonely as i am at this exact moment. it is exhausting and some nights i would give anything to make it stop. but i refuse to give up.

i am trying to get out of some of my crazy circles. for instance, when i wonder why i'm lonely i tell myself that it's because i'm clearly not worth being friends with, which leads me to stay in, isolating myself even further... and so the circle goes... i never get out to meet anyone new who might become a friend. see how it is self-fulfilling? next week i'm going job hunting, going to fill up a few more hours in the week between psych and therapy appointments. maybe there will be some fun people at my new job? i'm going to try get a job in one of the bookstores in town, or maybe a coffee shop... i'll keep ya posted.

p.s. new date for my driving test: it's in one month. wish me luck!