Friday, March 26, 2010

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Thursday, June 11, 2009

I can't believe it's June already and it's been months since I last wrote. Asleep at the wheel, or what?

The exciting news is that I found an apartment. It was not in the neighborhood I wanted but it is cute and perfect for me. It is a "junior one bedroom" meaning a bachelor with a separate room the size of a closet. But it's mine... all mine! I moved May 1st, with such precise organization and coordination even the military would be proud. Normally there are tears on moving day (mine) and I'm rarely ready come the morning of the move. Well not this time. You know who you are... and my eternal thanks.... Funniest site of the day was my Devere enlarger tied to the roof of the car! Looked like a giant penis wrapped in a big condom! Maybe you had to be there....

So, tomorrow is the start of Operation Kitty Kat as Renata and I head to the Toronto shelter system in search of a a furry companion for me. Even my shrink approves of Operation Kitty Kat, and even thinks I need to start volunteering at a shelter as a kitty cuddler. All that love!!!

I was back in the hospital for an early summer tune-up, but was only there a week this time before I bounced back. This time I was on what is called a "form" meaning you *have* to stay, by law, in the hospital and you can't leave when you want... if you do go the cops can be sent to retrieve you and bring you back. Being a non voluntary patient was new to me but I totally understand why they did it. Still, feeling groovy now and that's all that matters.

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Thursday, March 19, 2009


Did you know that some people will pay $2,400 for a one bedroom apartment? It boggles the mind. I mean really boggles. Makes my budget of $750 a month seem so insignificant. There wasn't a single apartment on Craig's List today that matched my budget, except a basement bachelor in Oshawa. Well, tomorrow is another day! I am going to modify the parking prayer to the circumstances: "Hail Mary full of grace, help me find a groovy place!"

Monday, February 02, 2009

Thursday, January 22, 2009


The Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction class started last night. 50 of us attended an info session for it in November, and there were only 4 places available for January's class. Guess who got a place? Moi. It seems that the universe is watching out for me.

One of our intro exercises was to sit quietly with our eyes closed and think about why we wanted to take this class, and what we hoped to learn. My answer was very simple and came to me right away -- I want to live. I am taking this class because I don't want to die. I am so desperate to learn how to survive depression, how to survive these extreme mood swings that are my experience of being bipolar.

When the facilitator announced we'd go round and share what our reasons were I panicked. It felt too personal to share with such a large group (there are 30 in the class). When it came to me I said that I wanted to learn how to live more fully, which I guess is in the same ballpark, but not as honest.

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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

hello up there

i'm finding that the hardest thing about having a mental illness is that i cannot always trust my own thoughts. this is totally frustrating for me as i count on being a quick thinker.

what usually happens is this - i find myself thinking something out there. something like "it is inevitable that most people with bipolar will die by suicide." that's my future, i think, what a relief to have figured this out. instead of recognizing this as some kind of crazy thinking, i think "wow, i wonder why i didn't think of that before?" each crazy thought is brand new to me, and i never think to question them because, of course, this thought has to be correct 'cos there it is in my head, right?

i'm so happy i tell the doctor my latest insight and she says that not only am i wrong in thinking this (some bipolar people will attempt, for many it is a very treatable condition) but also it might be too soon to reduce one of my medications.

to her, these kinds of thoughts are the result of a chemical imbalance. to me, they are sudden brainwaves!

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Bear update

The bear was found in Ireland, lounging around in Glenbrook eating marmite and cheese sandwiches and drinking mugs of Barry's tea. Thank goodness!